Consciously Blocking Memories, Post Trauma

“I’m so curious to find out why you don’t remember, why you blocked the memories and the reasons for the lack of recall, when in other areas of your life, you have the ability to recall dialogue word by word or even just transmit yourself right into the scene and see it as it unfolded. To the reader (maybe you’ve touched on this elsewhere that I haven’t read yet) it seems like you’ve always had extraordinary memory. It seems like there must have been a significant reason for you to do this, unconsciously. It’s not a small feat for someone with your type of mind.”

Kayleigh on Pluto Sun Transit: Going Spelunking In Your Shadowy Parts

The breakup was profoundly traumatic on my end.  The worst smackdown I ever suffered in my life.  As you can see, this was unbeknownst to him. But I had no earthly idea this was the case, until I find out, twenty-plus years after the fact, with Pluto transiting my sun!

As for my lack of recall, when I found out he was gone, I was destroyed. I sat there on the couch in our apartment, realizing I had to accept the situation.  This is in my book by the way. It’s after the lawsuit. I state, I’d had a big party and everyone left? This memory is crystalline.

I was not able to accept the situation right away. I struggled for six months. I was absolutely knocked for a loop.  But I had to continue my life.

I did this, by telling myself what I thought was the truth. He married someone else. He prefers her to you.  He chose her, not you. He doesn’t love you.  You were not as important to him as you thought you were.

Also, you couldn’t have married him, anyway. You can’t give him what he wants (marriage and children). He’s found someone who can.  She’s good enough for him and you aren’t. Get it through your thick skull!

Also, he’s going into Special Forces and going to die. It’s his business. It’s his life. You can’t interfere. You should not interfere.  You know what he wants (wife, children, Special Forces).  He’s getting it, so just forget about this. Forget about him.  Let him live his life. He chose someone else, you stupid idiot.

Even with these thought patterns, it took me many months to get back on my feet.  But yeah. I consciously set him aside, far more successfully than I realized.  Two decades pass and he tells me, I dumped him?   Excuuuuse me?

Yeah, I thought I better figure this out.