Hey, Jealousy! Expect A Little Less & You May Not Be Let Down!

Apparently, my husband started collecting the songs he associated with me, right away.  First, he collected them in his head, but at some point he decided he had to own them. He was candid about wanting to possess them.

He thought about quitting this over the years, but he couldn’t manage. He also didn’t think he was hurting anyone.

He was never looking for songs, they just came to him, in strange ways, in strange places. He’d hear something and it would remind him of one of our exploits, or of how he felt at some point, whether it be happy, sad, rage or something else.

Now that you read, Shack Man, you can probably guess, I did not quiz him about these songs. I was curious, but I don’t poke at people. He’d either tell me or he wouldn’t.  I was listening.

He explained, he’d come in from a mission all messed up and have to go to record store and get the new song. It was often embarrassing.

“Why?”

‘’Cause I’m a gnarled bastard, all cut up, standing in line, waiting to buy some bubble gum music about, P…”

I laughed. Quite a picture.

Eventually, he explained some of the songs, but he didn’t need to, as I had a very good idea what they referred to, the minute I heard them.

“Hey Jealousy? Yeah, that’s a good one,” he said. “I got that one… well for one thing we were always jealous. We were both jealous as hell of each other all the time. Remember?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Yeah, so that was the first thing. But then he says he’s drunk or something. He’s in some kind of trouble so he’s heading to her house so he can crash. And I used to do that with you sometimes. I’d show up needing somewhere to stay and you’d always let me. I always knew I could come crash at your place, E and that’s a really good thing about you. I liked that about you, that I could always come to you and that was really good thing for someone like me to have. It meant a lot.”

“Thanks and you’re welcome.”

“And I always thought you’d still do this. I always figured even if I hadn’t seen you in ten years, fifteen years, if I ever showed up needing a place to stay, you’d give it to me. Is that right, E?

“Oh yeah. Absolutely.”

“Yep. Even if you had a husband or a boyfriend or something I still know you’re going to give me a couch, aren’t you, E? Somewhere to sleep?”

“Yep.”

“Yeah, you’re not going to send me away. You wouldn’t send anyone away, and you sure as hell aren’t going to send me away, so yeah. That was in there and it definitely made me think of you.”

“Gotcha.”

“And then they’re driving around in that song which is what we did. That’s all we ever did. Wherever there was to go, we were there. We went there on those bikes, one or both of them and we got there in like two seconds. And in the song, they’ve got the cops chasing them and does that sound familiar to you?”

“Yeah, it does. We did have people chase us from time to time…”

“Hell yeah. Someone was always chasing us, huh P? We were always running from someone or something. You drove the getaway car a few times, remember?”

I laughed. “Well, yeah. I had to keep you from getting killed. Repeatedly. Get us out of there before you got killed.”

“Yeah, I know. I definitely used to take some chances. And you’d see me getting into trouble and you wouldn’t say anything. You’d just get up, walk outside and start the bike. They’d think you were in the restroom or something… fixing your hair. But you’d be on the bike, waiting by the door with the thing fired up and ready to take off. Then I’d run out, jump on and you’d take off with people yelling, get back here!”   We both laughed.

“We always got away, too. Though we had some close calls a few times. Some of them were very close. And it was never the cops after us, huh P? We didn’t break laws. That’s not what we were doing. We weren’t really bad kids. Just daredevils.”

I laughed. “Yeah, daredevils. And no, we didn’t break many laws, I guess. I was 17 years old and in a bar. Should we count that?”

“Nah. We don’t count that. That was okay. You can be 17. So anyway, E, it also says in there, you’re the best I ever had, and hell. That goes without saying. You know that’s true, I don’t even need to tell you. And there was one other thing, I think.”

I waited.

‘Oh yeah. There are two… no three other things in that song that made me choose it.”

“What?”

“Well he talks about blowing the whole thing years ago. He says, if I wouldn’t have blown the whole thing years ago, I might not be alone. So obviously that fit. Fit too well, I would have to say. I do feel l blew it with you back then. I think I fucked up.”

“You didn’t. It wasn’t your fault, what else?”

“Well he says he’s not going to screw around on her, which I never would, and… oh yeah. He says if she doesn’t expect too much, she won’t be let down. And I don’t know, E. I just think that has to do with us too. I think that has something to do with me or with us, as well.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well you know I am always trying my best. I am. Always! But I always seem to let people down somehow, anyway. And I wish I didn’t. I really wish that people never were or never felt disappointed in me.”

I winced. “Ow.”

“So I just wonder if they expected a little less, if things might be better. Things might be okay if a person could just lower their expectations a little. Or even a lot. I think people should lower their expectations a lot, but lowering them even a hair would help. What do you think, E? Does that sound right to you?”

It does sound right to me. Do you feel people expect too much of you?