Pluto Sun Transit: Going Spelunking In Your Shadowy Parts

Back to the 2003 chat, which was the core of my Pluto sun transit, I’d absorbed the Special Forces stories, which is not to say, I’d assimilated them.  I’d also been confronted with a good deal of my own erratic behavior. He wasn’t bothered by it, but I was.

“Bothered” doesn’t begin to cover it. It’s not just that I’d behaved in certain ways; it was that I’d blocked it. Unfortunately, this was the tip of the iceberg and I mean it.

All of this was superficial, as compared to the confused puzzle, brewing deep inside of me, centering around this question: Why didn’t we marry?

He had a theory. I did not.

His theory was largely wrong, but still correct.  I could not accept his (wrong) view or counter it, effectively, without digging into the ungodly mess I’d contained for decades! Talking about this, did not help, as we sounded like this:

‘Well P, I think we should have gotten married. I regret that to this day and I always will.”

“Well I guess you shouldn’t have left me,” I said.

“Left you?” He was incredulous. ‘You dumped me!”

“Oh, I did not. I did not dump you. You left me and that was that. You were gone.”

“P, I left you because you dumped me.”

“You left.”

“You dumped! I’d have never… I’d have never left you if you wouldn’t have dumped you like you did.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. There’s no way I dumped you.”

“You keep saying that but I can’t imagine it. I don’t see how I could or would ever dump you.  I can’t imagine that! How in the hell could I leave you? Why would I leave you? I left you because you dumped me. What am I supposed to do? After all we’d been through, you have to go and call me a cock and then dump me.”

“Okay, well that was an obvious mistake, calling you a name and I’m sorry. But I never dumped you. That part of your story is insane. Cock or no cock, I had to cry a lot of tears when you left and don’t you forget it.  I am the one who wound up devastated and guess why that is?”

“Why?”

“Because you were so cocky!” I said.

“I was not cocky!”

“You were. You don’t need no, P. To hell with her! You left me and you did what? You got married in like… one minute,” I said.

“I did not get married in one minute! And I only did that because you wouldn’t marry me. I tried to get you to marry me. I tried! I would have loved to have married to you. You know that.”

“Well, no. I couldn’t tell. How could I tell, considering you married someone else a minute after you left.”

“Not one minute.”

“Okay, five. Maybe it took you five minutes to find someone else and marry her. But that’s what you did.”

“Five minutes? Okay, I’ll agree with that. I did go out and marry someone else five minutes after you and I separated. But I only did it because you dumped me!”

You see, there was no consensus whatsoever.  There was no way I could accept this. I wanted to know what happened, really. I knew it was inside of me.

I realized I needed to grapple with this dead spot in my psyche, personally. This was another situation, where we had to let things hang. It could not be done in the moment!

I certainly wasn’t going to admit I dumped him, when I did not dump him. I’m the one who was struck to the ground. But what did I do, and more importantly, why?

One thing about being astrologer; it’s hard to stuff these things, or project them, when you know it’s your transit.  Yes, I was interacting with an intense (Pluto) man (Sun), but it was my shadow and my secrets, being excavated and exposed.

Now while that’s true, it’s not the only truth! The sun shows your vocation. That I could process his stories; especially in the rapid way they were presented, was something. The impression I made on him was another thing I had to fathom.

Pluto was stripping my character of everything superfluous, but I eventually realized, understanding my own machinations in our relationship was going to be part of this. Damn it, I thought, as my face moved, involuntarily. Why oh why, can’t I glide through life on the surface?

I shared none of these thoughts with him, at the time. I didn’t even consider it.

He was the one with intact memories and the information, processed and ready to go. I wouldn’t say, he blew my brains out, but sort of. I thought I better sort through the pieces and try to catch up.